In the late 1930’s Harvard University began a study that tracked 250 Harvard men’s lives in an attempt to spot trends to discover what makes people live the happiest and fullest lives.   They looked at huge number of variables, from marital status and jobs to geography and financial security, all in the quest to determine which factors best contribute to a happy life.    After all the data was sorted and calculated, the result was that there was only one meaningful variable that correlated with life-happiness:  the quality of interpersonal relationships.

When asked what he had learned after studying most every detail of these men’s lives over fifty years, lead researcher George Valliant summed it up: “The only thing that really matters in your life are your relationships to other people.”

More recently, two leading psychologists in the field of positive psychology, did a study of “very happy people,” the happiest of the happy folks.  What they found was that the only external factor separating the happiest from the rest of us was the presence of “rich and satisfying social relationships.”

 Here’s the way to be happy: It’s all about relationships.

 So we all say that we want to be happy, yet how much of our time do we spend cultivating relationships?  How often do we lament that we don’t have enough time for friends?  To take time to spend with the people we love most, not people to whom we have an obligation, but those we actually love?  Are we so busy working so hard, so fast and so furious to gain the things that we believe will make us happy (money, fame, prestige) that we are failing to see what truly will make us happy (authentic, healthy inter-personal relationships)?  Are we so focused on meeting the needs of those who are not on the most-loved list that we are neglecting those who are on that list?

And, it goes without saying that we all want our kids to be happy.  But how much time do we encourage our kids to cultivate relationships?  To spend a lazy day with friends instead of SAT tutoring?  To attend a birthday party instead of a sports practice?  To thoughtfully purchase gifts versus grabbing a gift card from a drawer on the way to the party?  Are we sending the unintended message that personal achievement trumps meaningful relationships?  That social milestones are a hassle that can be completed by an impersonal present?

In addition, are we teaching kids the tools to have successful relationships?  How to communicate their needs, to hear the needs of others, to deal with conflict, to ask for and give forgiveness, to be thoughtful and considerate?   Or do we send the message that relationships are disposable and that when it is no longer convenient or it gets difficult that we toss them aside?

Are we and our kids confusing quantity with quality?  Hundreds or even thousands of “friends” on Facebook give us a sense of connection that can be positive, but is it coming in the name of losing true connection with a handful of people with whom we have authentic, true friendships?

These are some of the questions that I am asking myself in light of these studies and in light of what I also happen to believe to my core.  In the last analysis: it’s all about relationships.

I don’t know that I would consider myself a happy person.  I am working on it, but I am certainly not yet there.  But this I know: without my close relationships I am a shell of what my potential is.  Without those people in my life who know me, who love me despite my many flaws and who hang in there with me to celebrate both the good and the bad, I would throw in the towel right now on the quest for happiness because it certainly would not happen.  Not a chance.

Think about the people who are closest to you.  Think about ways you can increase the amount of time you spend with them.  Think about ways to let them know they are meaningful in your life.  Think about ways to communicate to your kids the importance of meaningful friendships and help them gain the tools to be successful in relationships.  And after all that thinking is done: do something about it. 

Cultivate those relationships and when you find them work as hard as you can to protect and preserve them because in the end, that’s what really matters…and you didn’t need to go to Harvard to know that.

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